A God-fearing man?
By Lincoln Earle-Centers
If you had told me a year ago that I would be striving towards being a God-fearing (see end note) man, I would have been surprised. If you had told me three years ago I would have been shocked. And if you had told me five years ago, I would have felt troubled. What does that even mean? Why would I want to fear God, rather than just knowing God, or loving God? I wouldn’t want my children to fear me, and I’m glad I don’t feel fear towards my father. Yet here I am, taking up this question, and this striving in my prayer life this past month: I sincerely long to develop a healthy fear of God. What does that even look like? And why would fearing God make me feel closer to God, rather than further away?
The topic ties into another question for me: What does it mean to be pious? I didn’t grow up religious, and until a few years ago I really wasn’t interested in relating to a whole corner of religious language; nor to religious practice, per say. I was one of the many who are comfortable identifying as a spiritual person, though not as a religious person. I felt I had a solid footing in my inner life and my spiritual life. I just had an aversion to a whole genre of religious vocabulary. I was happy to keep my distance. It felt unappealing to relate to certain religious language that seemed heavy with all sorts of associative and presumptive baggage. I was happy to just avoid the discomfort, and all that I found disconcerting with a particular religious lexicon. Here’s a sampling of some of the words that come to mind: sin, salvation, hell, damnation, righteousness, Lord, savior, repentance, worship, evil, sanctity, atonement, mercy, wrath, redemption, grace, doctrine, evangelism, rulership, dominion, subduing, glory… and fear of God might top this list. That pretty much meant that I didn’t see a way into comfortably identifying as being a Christian; though I wrestled more with that over the years than not feeling religious. Can a person be a non-religious Christian? Can one be pious, though not religious?
Praying in earnest and reverence
One definition of piety is: a belief or point of view that is accepted with unthinking conventional reverence. Others include: dutifulness in religion : devoutness… a conventional belief or standard : orthodoxy. Unthinking, dutiful, conventional… these words definitely did not appeal to me, nor describe me. More than that, the insinuation of blind acceptance or dutifulness offended my sensibilities; especially where those might extend towards a “fear of God”, where the fear aims at having something to do with blind compliance or submission. And fear of what? Judgment? Reprimand? Punishment? Damnation? I had experience of hearing Christians use framing along these lines. I had inklings of an old-testament God that was full of wrath and vengeance. I had a sense of the severity of the apocalyptic writings on judgment and condemnation. These impressions kept me from ever really reading the bible, or feeling very comfortable at most Christian churches I encountered. What I met when I scratched the surface was not for me.
Yet, I find myself now regularly attending worship at both an orthodox church, and a protestant church, along with monthly Christian Community services, where I’m a frequent server. I find myself studying in seminary, reading the bible and praying daily with fervor. Something cracked open, and a journey is unfolding. In the past couple of years I have become a person who feels quite comfortable identifying as religious, as devout, as Christian. And beyond that, I feel more and more affinity with most anyone of any religious persuasion who identifies as religious, devout, pious, or as a person of faith. And the common denominator? I’m beginning to recognise that it has something deeply to do with this idea of “fear of God” (or “fear of the LORD”... an intriguing exploration for another time).
In this new framework in which I find myself, I keep encountering all these troublesome words that I had avoided in the past. I’m finding my way into right-relationship with them. I enjoy learning about them, and finding insight and wisdom in them. I’m acquiring a feel for the context and intricacies of how they are used, and what they mean to different people across time. Some come easier than others. Through study, instruction, prayer, practice, and conversation I’m coming to understand these ideas beyond the negative first impressions I carried. I’m cultivating a personal relationship to these words that have felt so problematic to me my whole life.
I would say that reverence began this cracking open for me. So without realizing it, and without using the language of “fear” I was already on-course towards finding deep meaning and resonance here. I began seeing through reverence-colored glasses, and the secular materialist world of our culture went from feeling familiar and comfortable (if distasteful), to alarming and abrasive. Sanctity and devotion took on new meaning for me, and holiness. I started to become bothered by the distinction of nature versus creation. Nature felt so reductionist; and didn’t include the sun and the moon and the stars in the sky above me! Elegance, magnificence, and flourishing began to be the kinds of words that felt most near. Reverence, awe, devotion… they were all coming into focus.
And my blossoming personal relationship with the divine has also brought forward tender feelings of humility, honor, respect, admiration, worship… all the ingredients coming together to describe the many aspects of fear, in the biblical sense. And as I dive deeper into scripture I can’t help noticing this golden thread of “fear” everywhere! The beginning (think Genesis & John’s prologue) of wisdom and understanding. The fountain of life. A turning away from evil. Fear began to feel so much richer than my associations and familiarity. In a biblical way fear began to feel more like true-north to a compass, the measure to weigh discernment, an anchor and boundary to depend on; the ground of the world. Of course it’s complex, and there are many contexts where “fear” is used in ways that feel more familiar to my ear. It’s the interplay between the familiar and the deeper layers that I was missing in my initial reaction against the phrase “fear of God”. There are at least six words in Hebrew that I find in scripture describing fear, and how these are translated and interpreted makes worlds of difference in the feeling of what comes across.
Fear of God is beginning to feel like an avenue towards love of God for me, and complementary rather than contradictory. I’m experiencing a paradox; that fear of God makes me want to know God more closely. Fear of God as the doorway to wisdom, and true humility! Who would have thought? And I’m pondering the connection between a healthy fear of God, and One who is worthy of worship, to help reconcile why I still feel sour about the idea of my kids fearing me. I wouldn’t want them to worship me either. There is something very different going on here, and it has to do with being worthy of worship, and therefore also worthy of rightly-directed fear. I’m still learning, and striving. Beyond discerning the many words and contexts used in the scripture for “fear”, there is also considering the difference between servile fear: fear of punishment, vs filial fear: fear of letting a beloved down.
Fear of God has begun to feel for me like an orientation. It is illuminating, encouraging, and enlivening. I’m still working to discover for myself how to relate to the paradox of sovereignty, freedom, and agency being in right-balance with obedience and submission. There seems to be such an important difference between feeling obliged, coerced, or guilt-tripped into obedience and submission, versus coming to one’s knees due to circumstance, desire, or inspiration. What makes one person a fanatic and another humble and virtuous? Wisdom perhaps? And a fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, so it is said. That is a fear that I desire to move towards, not shy away from.
Praying in celebration and awe
Endnote: In the US “God-fearing” is a common phrase for mainstream christians to describe being pious and morally upstanding.
Our Author: Lincoln Earle-Centers lives in Central Vermont with his wife and daughter.
He has two sons who have recently fledged out into the world, and he runs a tree care business as a professional arborist. Lincoln is in his first year at the Christian Community Seminary.